I’ve spent my winter puttering around in my own mind and feeling strangely exposed. Like my skin’s been peeled back, leaving my innards exposed to the elements. For the first time in years, I’ve sat and marinated in my own juices, processing all the grief and hard times I’ve survived. It’s been unpleasant. I’ve felt… lonely. I’m used to feeling lonely; I like being lonely in a way. It’s unsettling to suddenly find that I’m afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. I’ve always focused so hard on improving the things I hate about myself. Tried to become more thoughtful, conscientious, smart, put together. Now I catch myself missing an old version of me. A me that was open and fun and uncaring of what tomorrow brings. Then again, maybe that person never really existed. Memories can be funny like that sometimes.
I’ve tried putting my thoughts into countless songs, but they all ring hollow. Like this new awareness isn’t ready to crawl out onto the page. As I picked at the bones of a song I couldn’t fix, I started sorting through old lyrics, seeking inspiration. In my files, I came across a song I’d written and published back in 2018. It was strangely painful to listen to. I thought about how much — and how little — has changed in that time. When I look back at old writing, it feels like a glimpse into another person’s private life. Like I’m peering at silhouettes as the light casts them on one of those old timey screens people used to change behind. There’s something strangely intimate and voyeuristic about it; I have to remind myself that I’m only looking back at an old me. I’d like to think all this time looking inward is leading me on a new journey. I’m taking the good bits of me and sloughing off the chaff. Or maybe… I’m realizing things I was confident in must shake apart around me so a new reality can emerge. Only time will tell if it’s for the better, I suppose.
An old friend told me awhile back that I really haven’t changed since we met in high school. On the surface, sure: I’m more confident; more thoughtful; I dress better. Well, I couldn’t dress much worse. But fundamentally, at the core, I was unchanged. At first, I was hurt by her assessment. I’ve worked hard to leave that scared, lonely, depressed kid behind. But the more I thought about it, the more grateful I was for her words. As the world rapidly changes around me, some fundamental part of me remains. A piece that she’s valued enough to stay friends with for over ten years. I find that comforting, somehow. Maybe through it all, that vulnerable kid has survived intact. Maybe there’s hope for her yet.
It’s been awhile, everyone. Having been isolated inside for a full week now, I thought perhaps it was time to do something of value with my time; keep my mind off the stresses of the world outside.
I woke up one morning awhile back and realized that I felt disconnected from myself, my life, and the people and world around me. I would sit down to write, and there was nothing; I felt as if I were floating a few feet off the ground, untethered and at risk of fading into the atmosphere.
I decided to use one of my elective courses at University to take a creative writing class, so that I could give myself time and space to start creating again. Through the work I’ve been doing in that class, I’ve found myself feeling human again; like I’ve regained some small sense of self. It’s reminded me how important it is to make time for the things you love.
I can’t say I think my writing is good, or important; I can’t say it has anything grand or exciting to say; but the process of doing it has fulfilled something I’ve been missing for a long time.
As I’m nearing the end of the course, and the world feels as though it’s crumbling around me, I thought I’d start trying to use this space to help me maintain the momentum I’ve built up these past few months. My goal is to put out something I’ve written every Saturday for the foreseeable future: whether that’s a poem, short story, movie review; maybe even music if I can sort out my audio/visual setup. I can’t promise anything when it comes to quality, but if you’re interested, or looking for a brief distraction, feel free to keep an eye on this space. And send me your thoughts, or anything you’ve been working on during this crazy time we seem to find ourselves in these days. I’d love to read them.
Today I thought I’d share a poem inspired by a piece of art I encountered at North Vancouver’s Polygon Gallery. The piece is entitled Crudite, by Svava Tergesen. Thank you to her for igniting a spark in me again.
I made a cocoon out of insecurity,
Which breeds it’s own troubles
Part of it stays with me,
Part of it steps out with you
What do you think is born from such a womb?
Unable to entice you to enter, I must press outward
Will I ever feel secure in letting go?
I think no – I heave myself forward
You sliced apart the weaving; I wasn’t ready
The amniotic fluid drips down my limp wrists
As I watch you step away,
Part of me steps out with you
Boy is this coming out late. As comes a surprise to exactly no one, follow through is not my strong suit. But, I’ve managed to wrangle up some more movies for everyone, so read on if you’re interested! There should be at least 1-2 more instalments before the month is up. Looking unlikely I’ll hit my 31 goal, but hey! Never say never.
If you missed the first set of movies, you can find them here.
27. Dagon (2001)
Dagon, inspired by the Lovecraftian story of the same name, is about a man and his girlfriend vacationing just off the coast of Spain. A storm blows them into a small fishing village, where, upon entering in search of help, they get a lot more than they bargained for from the local townspeople.
Hahahahahahah, whaaaat is this movie. The special effects are the most low budget, early 2000’s effects I’ve ever seen. I was all in the second this intense CGI black cloud rolled in with absolutely no warning. The main protagonist is so white bread you can almost reflect the sun off of him, the fish people look half baked and rubbery, and the movies big reveal, the explanation for the weird dreams the protagonist is having at the start of the film, is one of the dumbest, best things ever.
Unfortunately, I found a large portion of the middle section really dragged, and was riddled with weird plot holes, but the start was actually pretty compelling despite my intense dislike of the hero (whose name I have not bothered to remember), and the final third was just bonkers in the best way. And that ending. THAT. ENDING. Perfect idiocy.
Definitely worth a watch if you want some dumb fun, but don’t expect to be scared. Like, at all.
26. The Blackcoat’s Daughter (2015)
The Blackcoat’s Daughter is about two girls who are left alone over winter break at their boarding school. During their time there, spooky shit starts to happen. In some other timeline/location, we meet Joan (Emma Roberts), who appears to be an escapee from a mental hospital. The movie sets out to show how these two stories intertwine, and to examine what loneliness can do, especially to a young girl.
On the other end of the spectrum from Dagon, this was a pretty dark, serious film. I had some problems with it, chiefly in that it makes itself out to be more complex than it really is, and has some minor pacing issues; but on the whole it was beautifully directed, and had several creepy moments that kept me engaged throughout the film. I have a feeling some of them will be staying with me for a long time to come. I do wish that they had found a way to tighten up the first third of the movie, and there are times where I had issues determining which character was which, though it may be I was just a bit distracted. Though the story isn’t as complex as I was expecting, I found it to be satisfying throughout, and enjoyed the payoff in the final act.
I think people’s mileage with this one may vary, due to the clunky pacing and some fairly (intentional, I believe) flat acting, but it’s definitely worth a watch if you’re into supernatural horror, and it has a couple twists on the formula that I personally really enjoyed seeing, and would love to see tackled more in films of this nature.
I’m going to go into some minor spoilers here, mostly just a couple scenes that I liked, so read at your own risk!
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I specifically want to call out two scenes: The first is where Rose finds Kat in the boiler room, prostrating herself before the burning furnace. The colour scheme, the movement of the actress, and the soundtrack made me shudder, and I couldn’t help but linger on that moment well into the night, when I should have been sleeping.
The second scene, is the scene where Rose is having her school picture taken. The slo-mo is used to beautiful effect, and the way her face shifts between emotions is an incredible piece of acting/direction.
I loved the creepy look of the black shadow demon. It’s lack of definition made it stand out more, and it felt like a very timeless, foreboding design.
I’m not going to get into the ending here, much as I’d like to, but I also thought it was great.
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25. Still/Born (2017)
A mom gives birth to twins, one of which is stillborn. Once she’s home with her living son, Adam, she becomes convinced that some kind of supernatural force is after her baby.
I think the best I can say about this one is that I mostly enjoyed the acting, and the climactic scene near the end was stressful to watch. I was invested enough to want to see it through, but ultimately felt the ending was cheap and made me retroactively pretty bummed about all of the cliches that I had hoped would go somewhere more interesting. There is some inherent tension in a movie where babies are the primary target at risk, and the fear of losing your mind as a mother, but I just didn’t feel the film lived up to it’s premise. Props to Christie Burke, who was easily the best part of the movie as a mother on the edge.
I’d give this one a pass. It’s not campy enough to be fun, not grotesque enough for you gore heads, not thought provoking enough to feel like there’s anything to really ruminate on later.
24. Tenebrae/Tenebre (1982)
A mystery novelist travels to Rome for his book tour, but upon landing, a woman is found murdered, pages of his latest novel stuffed in her mouth, setting off a string of strange deaths within the city.
Classic Argento, lots of tension, blood, mystery, ridiculously beautiful women. A rad soundtrack by Goblin… What more could you ask for?
I was weirdly amused by just how frequently I noticed a woman would be exposing just one breast. Like, always the left one, no particular rhyme or reason to it. Even in situations where it made no sense.
I didn’t care for the main protagonist, Peter Neal. He was played competently by actor Anthony Franciosa, but I found him a tad dry for the majority of the movie, and wish he’d had a bit more characterization, but then, the movie isn’t exactly filled with memorable characters, just great outfits set up to die one by one.
If you’re into Argento movies, this one is definitely worth a watch. The characters were pretty fun, the costuming is awesome, and the soundtrack is killer. If you don’t care for a slower paced slasher film, or dislike audio dubbing, I’d say give it a pass. But man, is that theme song great.
23. RAW (2016)
Raw centres around a girl named Justine, who, upon entering veterinary school, undergoes a hazing ritual in which she’s forced to eat raw meat, despite being a vegetarian. She then gains an insatiable lust… for flesh.
This movie is awesome. I can’t say enough good things about it. Garance Marillier is electrifying as Justine, our main protagonist. I couldn’t take my eyes off her the whole movie. Well, except for in a couple deliciously gory scenes where I had to cover my face. I liked how inventive this movie’s premise and execution were, I was consistently surprised by what came next, and felt the way colour, light, and the soundtrack were used really elevated the performances of the actors. Justine’s
Can’t say enough good things about it, really. I’m sure there are those who won’t like it, especially if you hate any amount of gore, but I can’t think of much I didn’t love about it. If you like horror movies you owe it to yourself to at least give it a try.
22. Apostle (2018)
The son of a wealthy family, Thomas, goes on a mission to rescue his sister, who has been kidnapped for ransom by a cult. Once he arrives in their village, he finds there are dark secrets on the island, and must try his best to save his sister before it’s too late.
Apostle gets better as the movie goes on, but has some weirdly jarring dialogue, and a lot of stupid choices made by characters that keep it from being truly great.
Thomas, played by a gruffer Dan Stevens (swoon) than I’ve seen before, has all the stealth of an oncoming train, his face literally screams I’M THE TRAITOR from the minute he lands on the island, and his dialogue, while I thought was mostly well acted, seemed stiffly written. In fact, many of the character interactions felt stiff, with little background given in regards to their reasoning or feeling towards each other before shit hits the fan. And when characters weren’t being awkwardly blunt and formal with each other, they always seemed to be monologuing to high heaven for God knows what reason.
Despite all this, I actually really liked the setting and central conceit of the movie. The cinematography and costume design are both great, and there were a lot of cool plot elements throughout the film. In the second half of the movie, tension starts to ramp up considerably, with a lot of great disturbing images, and at least a couple really well executed gory scenes that had me squirming in my seat.
Some half baked ideas, stiff dialogue, and an unnecessarily long run time keep this movie from being truly great, but there’s enough to like here I’d say it’s worth a watch if you like gore, period pieces, or weird supernatural shit.
BONUS ROUND
The Haunting of Hill House (2018)
A family of seven moves into a house, hoping to renovate it over the summer and sell it so they can finally settle into a proper home of their own. Strange things start happening to the kids almost immediately, and we’re left to watch them deal with their trauma as adults, while slowly uncovering just what happened in that house.
I watched all of the Haunting of Hill House in two days, because I’m a crazy person. Many people have been lauding this as the first truly great horror tv show (apparently they haven’t seen The Exorcist or Hannibal), so I was really curious to check this one out for myself.
I’d say if you go in with tempered expectations, and are willing to get invested in the family drama aspect, this show is great. As the youngest of a five sibling family, I definitely felt I could relate to the characters family interactions, and thought seeing how living in the house had affected them as they grew into adulthood was compelling tv. Some of the ghost designs were excellent, and the middle episodes in particular, five and six, were really tightly crafted. In fact, I’d say episodes five through nine were some of the more riveting stuff I’ve seen lately. I didn’t think most of the show was all that scary, so if that’s what you’re looking for this may not be the show for you. But there’s enough to like here, especially in that middle section, that I’d say it’s worth a try.
I’ve already run into a couple people who felt the first episode was boring and soap opera-ey, which I actually agree with. I think it improves, but there will always be some cheesy dialogue, so if that’s gonna kill it for you, I’d probably say not to bother with this one. It’s kinda part of the shows charm, and also it’s downfall. I also didn’t care for the final episode, but felt it didn’t detract from my enjoyment of the show overall, and in fact think I might go back to this show sometime to look for details and things I may have missed.
This concludes today’s movie watching
Good night, and stay spooky friends
Hello and welcome! The last couple of years I’ve been trying to do this challenge where you watch thirty-one movies in the month of October, one a day leading up to Halloween. I have yet to succeed at hitting the total, so this year I thought I would make a couple of adjustments.
Adjustment #1! I won’t be strictly adhering to the one movie a day this year. I started on the weekend, and watched four in advance of October’s start because there will definitely be a couple of days that I won’t be able to fit them in.
Adjustment #2! I thought I would write some mini-reviews of the movies this year, so as to give myself some structure and something to look back on. I figured I might as well publish said mini reviews, in the event anyone else is interested in finding some new movies to check out for the season.
I’ll try and avoid any major plot spoilers, if I do feel the need to get into them they’ll be clearly marked. That being said, read at your own risk. It’s not always easy to tell what someone else may view as a spoiler.
So! Without further ado, let’s get started with this weekend’s set of movies. I started off by getting through a few classics that have passed me by over the years.
31. Hellraiser (1987)
Here’s my attempt at a summary of this movie:
Hellraiser is about a man named Larry and his wife Julia moving into an old family home, and Larry’s brother, Frank, who as it turns out is an old lover of Julia’s that got himself torn apart by messing with a weird multi-dimensional puzzle box. Frank gets raised from the dead by accident early on in the film, and once Julia discovers him and his need to consume blood in order to regain his body, they lure men to the house in order to help him regain his human form.
Hellraiser is a series that’s kind of skated under the radar for me over the years. I had seen the third Hellraiser last year, which was…. Well, it was a movie, that’s for sure.
Entertaining, but in no way scary, with a plot that made zero sense even by horror movie standards. With that in mind, here’s what I was expecting of Hellraiser: a fun, somewhat twisted horror romp with some S&M demons.
Here’s what I was NOT expecting of Hellraiser: that I would be genuinely freaked out by the main antagonist; that the acting would be solid; the make up and special effects grotesque; that there would be actual depth to the S&M themes; and, last but not least, that I would walk away even more disappointed with the abysmal quality of the third one.
I really enjoyed the universe Clive Barker has created here, it felt very self aware and confident in what it was. Most questions I had were either answered quickly and succinctly, or treated so matter of fact that I just bought into it with no real need for an explanation. The movie is pretty straightforward for a supernatural movie with beings that travel through dimensions, but it never strays too far into being either boring or convoluted. It also handles sexual themes in a way that I can’t say I’ve personally seen replicated elsewhere, and there’s some fascinating discussion to be had on it’s themes of pain and pleasure, though I won’t get into it much here. More than anything though, I like that the villains aren’t really villains in a traditional sense, and the dark views on morality this movie embodies are more complex than most movies strive for.
Special shout out again to the make up on undead Frank. He’s so…. Moist.
Loved it.
30. Re-Animator (1985)
Student figures out how to bring people back to life. Student changes schools when his experiments cause the death of a professor. Student moves in with a hunky fellow doctor student, ropes him into his research, aaaaaannnnd shit goes completely sideways for everyone.
How did it take me this long to see this movie?!?!?
I can’t even think of much to say on this one. I loved the acting; I loved the practical effects; I now have a somewhat troubling crush on the actor that played Herbert West that’s causing me to question my own sanity; I loved the ridiculously bright glowing drug that reanimates people. If I had a complaint, it would be the way the only female character in the movie is basically used to prop up everyone else, and doesn’t seem to have much of a personality beyond loving her father and boyfriend unconditionally. Like, seriously, girl, we get it. You love his dumb ass. I suppose it is a good ass.
If you like Lovecraft, or even have a passing interest, I’d highly recommend this movie. Take it with a drop of goo though, it’s more grotesque fun than truly scary.
29. Creepshow (1982)
Summary
Creepshow is a horror anthology based around Stephen King’s work, and directed by George Romero. There’s five short stories in total: radioactive meteorites, long lost crates with strange creatures inside, a husband’s revenge on his cheating wife, long dead relatives rising from the grave, and a particularly upsetting story for me that had to do with a neat freak dealing with cockroaches.
I had a lot of fun with this one, but it was a little more inconsistent in quality for me than the first couple. Pulling off an anthology is not an easy task, you have so many different considerations you have to make in comparison to your average film. Rather than one long story where everything feeds back into itself, you have to pace each story individually, as well as make sure it fits into the overall structure of the movie. So, for example, I felt the first story about a woman killing her father was a hair too long, whereas the final story, about the man dealing with a cockroach problem, was perfectly riveting and kept me involved for the final stretch of the movie.
The part of this I most want to focus on, however, is the middle story, about a man’s revenge on his cheating wife and her partner. I loved this story. It stars Leslie Nielsen as the husband, and a young Ted Danson as the wife’s lover, and both absolutely knocked it out of the park. The pacing was excellent, the tension between the two characters was palpable, and it really played off of my own personal fears of both drowning and being buried alive. It felt really special to see these two great actors in the middle of the anthology, and I can see myself coming back to rewatch even just this story again and again.
Last word on this one: Stephen King is in it as a backwoods farmer and his acting is so fun I wanted to watch a whole movie starring him.
28. Creep (2014)
The first modern movie on this list!
Creep stars a guy named Aaron (Patrick Brice, also the film’s director), who takes a mysterious job shooting a video diary for the day. When he arrives, however, it turns out the man who posted the ad, Josef (Mark Duplass), while seemingly very nice, starts to make more and more bizarre requests throughout the course of the day…
I feel a bit conflicted about this one, though it was still pretty solid. The way Aaron and Josef’s relationship plays out in the movie is genuinely fun, tense, and overall, I really bought into the dynamic between them. Mark Duplass, in particular, walks a near perfect line between likeable and chilling; I couldn’t take my eyes off of him in most scenes, while simultaneously really wanting to take my eyes off of him. The ways in which they utilize the camera, and continually distract from the fact that it’s always on even when maybe it shouldn’t be, are fairly clever as well. In particular, when the characters passed the camera back and forth they managed to create more of a conversation between the two characters through the filming itself, while also putting more of a face on Aaron, our joint protagonist.
On the other hand, this film suffered for me in that parts of the filming made it kind of challenging to watch, a little too shaky cam for me. I also didn’t care for some of Aaron’s dialogue, especially later on in the movie. He’s often almost annoyingly naive, and I didn’t feel we know enough about him as a person outside of his relationship with Josef for me to feel particularly invested in him or why he reacts the way he does at times.
Overall, I’d say it’s a fun watch with a surprisingly good balance between humour, sincerity, and genuine thrills, but with the caveat that your mileage may vary based on your tolerance for found footage films and your willingness to buy into the characters.
Bonus Round!
There’s two movies I watched recently that I’ll just briefly mention here, as they’re not part of the marathon, but I liked them so much I wanted to give them a quick recommendation in case you (like me) had missed out on them.
Hereditary (2018)
This movie’s gotten a lot of acclaim this year, and it’s pretty well deserved in my opinion. It tries to wear a lot of different hats, rather than being strictly a horror movie, but I think ironically it’s the family drama aspects that are the most horrifying in the long run. Much has been made of how awesome Toni Collette is, and she is phenomenal in this movie, but I want to shout out the rest of the cast as well. Milly Shapiro and Alex Wolff are really great as the kids, and Gabriel Byrne was a special stand out to me as the father trying to keep it together. He brought so much weight and gravitas to what could have been a pretty one note character.
Wholeheartedly recommend, but with a small warning that you may find it challenging to watch if you’re struggling with loss, there’s a lot of emotional tension in this film.
Drag Me To Hell (2009)
I had fully written this movie off for whatever reason, boy was I kicking myself for it when I finally watched it. Easily one of Sam Raimi’s best. It’s a great take on a classic gypsy curse, and I love that the film has so many different ways of interpreting it, while still being a great time even if you don’t enjoy pulling movies apart. Quick shout out to the feud between Christine (Alison Lohman) and her shitty coworker, Stu (Reggie Lee) which was so well done I felt myself twitching out of irritation every time he was on screen.
That’s a wrap for today, but I’ll be posting these sporadically throughout the month. Keep an eye out if you enjoyed this, and feel free to fill me in on your own horror movie experiences this month.
The cat and I used to sleep in the dryer, all curled up and cozy warm. Felt like I was back in the womb. Five years old, and all I could think about was being warm and safe; I guess some things never change. I look out and in, and imagine I’m being pulled down, down, down into you. I don’t think or feel. If I had a voice, it’s long gone.
Do I have a voice?
We could communicate better if we learned to be still. I’ll be quiet as a mouse if you’ll let me. I open my mouth when I should not, and close it when I should speak out, and this is my most prized failing. “Are you okay?” is what I want to ask.
“I wish you’d leave me”
I’m a selfish asshole. So much effort to be courageous, but it’s just not in my DNA. The things fear will make you say when it begins to make a home in your gut. How it coils like a loaded spring, ready to fuck you sideways.
“I’m not afraid” is what I say.
“I am afraid”
It’s been awhile since I felt the urge to create.
No, that’s not entirely true.
The desire always sits heavy in my throat, but I erase the words before me faster than I can write them down. I don’t know, maybe that desire doesn’t mean anything; it’s just something I’m meant to curb for the rest of my life. Not everyone who desires can create beautiful things.
Or maybe it’s just easier to believe that.
I went swimming this week – went to work. Read a chapter in my novel – did the dishes. Worked on a song or two – cleaned my shower . And managed to avoid making any major decisions again and again and again and again.
Other people seem to have this… capacity for making choices that I don’t. Down one path lies a life with reckless abandon, down the other a life crippled by indecision. It seems like we’re all in this… boat, made up of our insecurities. Together. But you can be damn sure it feels like we all exist a million miles apart. So afraid to make the wrong choices, we (or is it just me?) throw ourselves into nothing and call it hard work.
I don’t know what the point is. Maybe one doesn’t exist. “Why worry about it so much”, I ask myself?
When I stand on a stage, I feel almost no fear. Sometimes I’m awkward, or my voice screws up; I miss notes, I emotionally detach from what I’m doing; any number of bad things can happen. But for however long I’m up there, I just push onward and don’t focus on the mistakes, or the poorly timed, self-deprecating jokes.
The second I finish, and step away?
Everything changes.
See, I’ve come to realize something about myself. When I’m performing, I feel untouchable. I’m somehow sharing more of myself than I ever would in a conversation with a stranger, but it feels okay. There’s this barrier, this lack of verbal discourse that makes me feel like I am shouting into a void. And the void absorbs what I have to say, without ever shouting back.
When I come back to reality, all of my fears, self-loathing, mistakes: they all hit me like a freight train. I’m afraid of what people will say. Will they ask why I wrote something? Did they notice my mistakes? Were they bored?
It gets worse. Are you ready?
I DON’T WANT TO HEAR
I DON’T WANT TO SPEAK
I WANT YOU TO IGNORE ME
No, that’s not quite right.
I WANT YOU TO HEAR
I WANT YOU TO SPEAK
I WANT YOU TO VALIDATE MY WORTH
No, that’s not quite right.
I WANT TO HEAR YOU
I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU
I WANT TO FEEL CLOSE TO YOU
Notes from Nowhere 